Emotional Days...

Every once in a while I get in a funk, where I can't seem to stop crying... unfortunately this is one of those days. :(

I feel just sad as a mother, for my son. For all the things he will have to face, that I can't make okay. I have REALLY good days dealing with Caleb's CP. As a matter of fact, I think I deal with it really really well on most days. But today, and every once in a while, days like this sneak up on me : where I just feel sad for my son. What mother doesn't want ONLY the best for their child?

I cry to look at other kids Caleb's age, and see how they can walk and run and flourish and play in ways that Caleb has yet to experience... if ever. I know it sounds extremely selfish, but I cry thinking about how busy and crazy life is with having a child with CP.... Not that I don't wanna do it for him, but I can't help but some times think how much simpler life would be if we didn't have eye appointments, therapy - 5 times a week, appointments for leg braces, appoitments for botox, meeting with ortho speciallists, special needs clinics, trying to get him SSI, thinking about when he turns 3 and can no longer be on the birth to 3 program... possibly sending him to school this fall so he can continue on in therapy... There's just so much... And I would do it all a million times over for Caleb... I really really would. But some days it all becomes so overwhelming.

When I think about Caleb recieving Social Security... it just makes me cry. Thinking he's disabled ENOUGH to get that at all, makes me cry. I get mad at myself. Mad that I couldn't carrying him to full term, mad thinking I didn't do all I could for him. Thinking it was actually all in my hands, when the sensible side of me knows it wasn't - it was just Gods plan. It makes me sad to think that Caleb will most inevitably get special aid for school when he's older... (not that it's not nice to get aid... lol) but the reasoning for it, makes me sad. It makes me sad because the world will never see Caleb as perfect as I do... they will never know how "normal" he is. He will always be the Caleb with Cerebral Palsy, the Caleb who collects SSI and the Caleb that's eligable for finicial aid because he's disabled.

Ugh... this whole post is stupid. I know it's stupid to complain, or cry or be upset about something that 99% of the time, doesn't get to me. But the 1% of the time that it does, sucks. I wish I knew other mothers who went through what I am going through, or are going through the same things as me. But a lot of the time, I feel so alone. I don't know how I'm "supposed" to act about it all. I feel sometimes as though I should slap on a happy face and just push through all trials, because that's what a good mom would do, and I don't want Jeff to know how sad it makes me, that our son is different. But some days I just wanna lay in bed and cry about it. Cry for the hardships my baby will have, and has already had to endure his life. I would suffer the worst form of CP, just to take his away.

I know God is in control, and that one day I will know why He allowed Caleb to suffer with CP, and knowing there is a reason, way beyond what I could ever understand, does bring comfort... but as a mom, today, I just wanna cry. I wanna be sad for my son. I wanna be jealous of moms with "normal" kids... I wanna hold him and wish he was fine.

God is Good!

Yay! My sister Ashley got an apartment near me... not the one we had originally wanted her to get right next to me... but across the pond. It's an amazing place... 3 bedrooms, 2 full baths, lots of storage, an upper, with a HUGE patio - puts mine to shame... lol. It's just absolutely awesome! Oh and did I mention it has white trimming? All white appliances, and NICE wood cabinetry? It's so beautiful!!! One day I hope to move across the pond in one of those! They are sooo nice!

God is too good! My heart sunk when I found out that she couldn't move into the one just down from me, but this one is perfect for them, and I really think they love it... I sure do! :) Yay! I can't wait to get in there with her and clean it, and help her decide where to put stuff! It will be so much fun!!!

YAY!!!!!!

It's Over...

I cannot believe how fast this passed holiday season went. :( It'd kinda depressing. I was hoping it would linger, and I would never have to take my Christmas tree down, and burn my evergreen scented candles forever!... but sadly it's over and done with, and Jeff and I began the painfully boring, and tedious task of taking everything down... the tree, the lights, all the cute little odds and ends that lay around the house during Christmas. :(

I LOVE Christmas, and this year, it didn't even feel like it came. Maybe because time flies now that I'm older and a mother, or maybe just because Jeff and I came down with the flu and spent all Christmas day sleeping? Who knows... All I know is that I am bummed, and CANNOT wait until next year rolls around... God willing no one will be sick next year, but with my luck, I'm guessing someone will have the flu... I just know it. :/ Oh well... We will keep our fingers crossed until then :)

Oh Snowy Day...

So today in good old Wisconsin, it has decided to snow... heavily... My sister Sara's plane just left California - so I am hoping and praying for safe travels for her and her hubby, Aaron. And hopefully they won't be diverted anywhere, but land here safely in freezing cold Wisconsin to celebrate Christmas with us FINALLY!

Yesterday was a busy, hectic day... We had to cancel Caleb's 2 therapies because Jeff and I both came down with viral colds. It was totally bummer. :( We ended up sending Caleb away with Grandma Schmit, and Jeff and I went into the doctors office. I had never had to wear a mask to the doctors before... but yesterday we had to wear one because of the chance of it being the swine flu, and I felt like a total loser. LOL. It was quite embarrassing. Luckily we got called in quickly, discovered that we did indeed NOT have the swine flu, strep or pneumonia. Thank God! But we did have a virus that has been giving us the round about since Christmas Eve. :( So now we are on antibiotics and hopefully that will all clear up shortly. I have spent too much of this holiday season being sick.

So Jeff and I vedged out on the couch all day long, watching seasons 3 and 4 of the Office, and trying not to laugh too hard and send ourselves into a crazy cough spiral. :/

Caleb came home at around 6, we fed him dinner, put him to bed and then resumed our original posts on the couch. I hate days like such.

Today has been a wee bit better - Some of our heavy duty symptoms have started to subside, which is definitely nice. We are still tired, achy and wish we could sleep all day, but that may just be from extreme boredom. LOL. Caleb had Early Developement today with Laura. Sadly next week will be the last time he has Laura, as she has decided to follow another career. It makes me sad to think about how close Caleb has gotten to her, and how he really likes and trusts her, as Jeff and I do. She's been in his life for nearly a year now. Today Elana - who will take over for Laura, came and visited with us also. She is nice, but I hate having to start the whole process of comfortableness and trust between a new person (social worker) I am allowing in my home weekly around my son. I'm sure as time goes on it will be a relationship like we now have with Laura.

Other than that is has been a slow, tiresome day here in Plymouth, WI. Caleb is now napping, and I figure I should probably get my rest while he does.. So until next time.... Shine on :)